return to Words

  • Jun
    2016
    17
    2016 / Jun / 17

    How I Became a Doctor in 23 Seconds

    A few months back, I was setting up a new iPad, and had to create an account in order to complete the setup.  They didn’t ask for terribly much information, but they did ask for one piece of information that I was not able to provide.

    They asked for my “title”.  It was a required field, my choices were

    Mr.
    Mrs.
    Ms.
    Dr.

    and it would not let me continue setting up the account until I had selected one of those.  Which, for me, was a problem.

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  • Apr
    2016
    04
    2016 / Apr / 04

    An Open Letter to Home Depot

    Earlier today, a friend posted this photo on Instagram

    Now, the fact there is an Instagram that exists, on which my friends can post these things, that is found on the Internet, told me my initial suspicion was correct, but I glanced at the upper right corner of my 27” iMac just in case.  Sure enough, it’s the year 2016.

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  • Mar
    2016
    21
    2016 / Mar / 21

    Why Boaty McBoatface is a Really Good Idea

    There are not many nice ways to say this, so I’m just going to say it as simply and directly as I can; science has a tendency to get a little up its own ass and consequently suck at PR.

    Not to say that isn’t an understandable thing.  When your job is to figure out what could be, the tendency to distance yourself from what is becomes a necessity.  Case in point, Nikola Tesla.  When your head says “I know how we can pull electricity out of the air and make it free for everyone” while the world around you is saying “This person is going to die from a minor flesh wound because Neosporin hasn’t been invented yet” chances are good you’re going to fall in love with a pigeon.  There’s only so much the human brain can do as far as coexisting between The Is and The Possible before something has to give.

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  • Dec
    2015
    20
    2015 / Dec / 20

    Mason Jar Gifts For & From Guys

    Last year, as I was putting together a few last-minute things for the holidays, these happened:

    Yes, I jumped aboard the Mason jar gift trend train, whipped up a batch of just-add-water microwave mug cake mix, added some festive fabric and ribbon and a cute little instruction card, and just like that, three gifts done.  For women.

    And that’s where I paused.  For women.  It is so easy to do this sort of thing for women.  We love cake that happens in 40 seconds.  We love cute.  We love the little glass Universe of infinite possibility that is the Mason jar gift.

    So I said to my best friend, who happened to be nearby and happens to be a guy, “We should do stuff like this for guys.  Guys like stuff in containers, right?  We should do Mason jar gifts for them.”

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  • Apr
    2015
    02
    2015 / Apr / 02

    Drought-Friendly Beauty Tips

    It’s no secret that California is in a permanent state of not-enough-waterness, but now, it has reached serious bad times.  Shit, as the kids say, just got very real.

    “California Imposes First Mandatory Water Restrictions”

    The basics, from not watering your lawn and flower garden to wearing your clothes more than once before laundering and, to put it delicately, letting things mellow, are no longer sufficient to keep California running.

    (And before you say “well I don’t live there, so it doesn’t matter to me” allow me to point out that yes, it very much does matter to you.  The California Central Valley, on less than 1% of the nation’s farmland, produces 8% of the nation’s agricultural output.  And 90% of the nation’s avocados.  So if you ever want to see your guacamole again, you’ll help us out.)

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  • Jan
    2015
    24
    2015 / Jan / 24

    O (Miss) Canada

    This morning, a friend posted a link to this article on my Facebook page, the whole point of which is, clearly, this photo of Miss Canada decked out all to hell and back for the Miss Universe pageant.

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  • Nov
    2014
    20
    2014 / Nov / 20

    Why You Totally Need Facebook’s Newest Post Scheduling Feature

    Recently, I noticed another round of the sluggishness, inconsistency in performance, and general nonfunctional bullshittery that always accompany Facebook working behind the scenes in preparation of rolling out new “features”.  Facebook’s definition of a “feature” is “OMGHOLYWOW new thing you didn’t even know you wanted until we gave it to you you’re welcome enjoy!” whereas the rest of us tend to define Facebook “features” more in terms of “major drawback and hindrance to basic functionality and could you seriously please just fucking stop changing shit on pages because you’re not doing anything anybody really wants done and this is not how you’re going to encourage us to actually start paying for this service okaythanksbyenow”.

    But this new feature could very well be the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  Because where last week you could only schedule things in advance to post to your page, now you can backdate things that you post on your page.

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  • Nov
    2014
    16
    2014 / Nov / 16

    The Bourbon & Butterscotch Zombie Slayer Bundt

    This is my fourth year observing National Bundt Cake Day by baking an original recipe cake, and as there has been in the three years prior, there is a near & dear emotional tie to the cake I’ve chosen.

    The first year saw my Tiramisu Bundt, a farewell baking as one of the last things I made in the tiny apartment kitchen that was home for almost fifteen years before we bought a house.  The second year gave me the Avenging Dark Chocolate Bacon Scourge Bundt of Doom, vengeance for a wrong done to a dear friend by a food blogger during the previous NBCD festivities, and also to vent some of my frustration at the 2012-13 NHL lockout.  Last year, I honored through Bundt a precious girl who I only knew for a short time but who will live in my heart forever, Chiquita the Pitbull.

    This year, I had no idea what I wanted to bake, so I put out a call on my Facebook page for suggestions, requests, etc.

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  • Nov
    2014
    10
    2014 / Nov / 10

    The Most Comprehensive List of Halloween Candy & Alcohol Pairings Ever Written

    Back in 2014 shortly before Halloween, a Facebook friend posted a link to an article titled “7 Wines To Pair With Your Favorite Halloween Candy”. My thought at first glance was “OH YAY HELL YES” because while the consumption of sugar and alcohol may for some be an enjoyable pastime, for women in their forties it is an invaluable survival technique that can never be too refined.

    Sadly, I quickly noticed a lot of things very wrong with this article.

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  • Sep
    2014
    10
    2014 / Sep / 10

    How Not to Sell Vibrators

    A few days ago, I received a Carol Wright Gifts catalog in the mail.  If you’re not familiar with them, they are one of the many Random Occasionally Useful Crap companies that sell everything from dog shoes to paisley-framed reading glasses to novelty kitchen gadgets.  And I admit that, when I receive these publications, I flip through them before placing them in the recycle bin because once in a great while there is something that actually interests me.

    In this case, it was Fleece-Lined Leggings.  I’m very sad that I can’t in good conscience order those.  Because they sound super comfy and ideal for working-at-home winter days.  But I will not give Carol Wright a dime of my money until they change one very important thing.

    The leggings were on the first page of this seemingly innocuous gift catalog and, encouraged, I continued flipping pages.  The Removable Instant Eyebrows on page 7 were definitely pause-worthy.  But it was pages 20 & 21 that made me stop dead in my flipping tracks.

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  • Jul
    2014
    22
    2014 / Jul / 22

    Stop Lying to Yourselves

    The fabulous George Takei this morning posted this photo on his Facebook page

    Unicorn

    words of advice I have been hearing for about 30 years, but funny nonetheless.  And while I didn’t have time to read all of the 276798364 comments that his posts routinely receive because he is all the awesome, the ones I did read were unanimously in agreement with the sentiment.

    However, I submit to you the following:

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  • Mar
    2014
    18
    2014 / Mar / 18

    Dear BBC…

    Every year or so, an Internet quiz starts recirculating, about 100 books the BBC thinks most people have only read six of.  The implication being, of course, that most people are ill-read mental slobs who don’t know which end of a dust jacket to eat their soup with.

    And every year or so when I see this quiz pop up again, I take a peek at the latest iteration, which never fails to amuse, amaze, and annoy me.  I have been reading since 1975.  I average 2 or 3 books a month.  And since I math almost as well as I read, that tells me 100 books is a small fraction of what I’ve mentally consumed in my literate lifetime.  So, BBC, here are a few things I would like to tell you about my reading habits and my take on your idea of what people should be reading:

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