Why You Totally Need Facebook’s Newest Post Scheduling Feature

Recently, I noticed another round of the sluggishness, inconsistency in performance, and general nonfunctional bullshittery that always accompany Facebook working behind the scenes in preparation of rolling out new “features”.  Facebook’s definition of a “feature” is “OMGHOLYWOW new thing you didn’t even know you wanted until we gave it to you you’re welcome enjoy!” whereas the rest of us tend to define Facebook “features” more in terms of “major drawback and hindrance to basic functionality and could you seriously please just fucking stop changing shit on pages because you’re not doing anything anybody really wants done and this is not how you’re going to encourage us to actually start paying for this service okaythanksbyenow”.

But this new feature could very well be the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  Because where last week you could only schedule things in advance to post to your page, now you can backdate things that you post on your page.

Yes.  Read that again.  No longer are you limited to merely posting random crap in real time, or blithely setting up your page features to post Monday through Friday at 9:00, 12:00 and 3:00 so you can go outside and interact with the real world.  No no no, baby bears, those days are far behind you now.  Because now you can make it look like you posted things before you really did.

This is the greatest thing since Time Travel Face BagAre you feeling the possibilities here?!

Someone has already laid claim to the right to backdate to 3000 BCE her post about having discovered gravity, so we’ll have to let that one go, but there are so many other potential applications for this technology.

You can post blasé excerpts from the review you wrote of Sleater-Kinney’s Dig Me Out dated long before a single episode of Portlandia was even filmed.

In a status backdated to 7:30 a.m. February 1, 2004, you can make a cryptic reference to just not feeling right about Janet Jackson today.

Think of the stock tips you could share, the celebrity breakups you could predict, the people you could totally fuck with by posting spoiler alerts of their favorite shows before the episodes even aired.

Want to know who dies on Game of Thrones?  Okay, I’m pretty sure the answer is “everybody” but now you can list the deaths in order before all your friends!

The more I write, the more frightened I become by the power of this technology.  I retract everything I have said here.  No one should ever use this feature.

Seriously.  No one.  Ever.
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