So this is me raving about toilet paper

Adulthood is an adventure in self-discovery. You never think you’ll be the sort of person who gets excited about toilet paper. However, I sit before you today genuinely excited about my new toilet paper, to the point of writing an entire blog post about it. With a picture, even.

#iwokeuplikethis
#exceptnowimwearingabra
#andiwasntpointingattoiletpaper

I first discovered Brandless like a lot of people first discovered Brandless, by being completely unable to avoid seeing their ads on social media and finally saying “okay, what the hell is this?” Turned out what the hell this is, is a grocery company whose products are all cruelty free and environmentally friendly, with lots of niche food options (vegan, GF, etc.) and everything is $3. So I ordered a few things to see what the hype was about. With my next order, I signed up for the B.More membership.

PRO TIP: Go ahead and get the B.More membership with your first order.

I will do a full recap/review of everything I’ve ever purchased from Brandless in another post. For today, I really just want to talk about toilet paper. As we all do sometimes.

The first thing I noticed about Brandless toilet paper was the “tree free” designation. Probably because that’s the first thing they tell you about it on the website. Title caps, even. Anyway, I was intrigued. I’m no math botanist, but I’m pretty sure trees don’t grow as fast as people need to wipe. So a tree-free alternative to such a high-volume and obviously single-use product is a good good thing.

“Okay” said my next question, “then what is it made of?”

The answer is sugarcane and bamboo grass. Which caused a momentary flicker of concern that it would feel like I was dabbing my daintybits with sweep-up from a panda enclosure, but for $3, I was willing to take a chance. Worst case, it was close enough to Halloween that I could find uses for a 6-pack of toilet paper other than its intended. Best case, I would never ever want to ever use any other toilet paper ever again ever.

NOW I NEVER EVER WANT TO EVER USE ANY OTHER TOILET PAPER EVER AGAIN EVER.

Things I Noticed In the Order I Noticed Them

THICKNESS: Inexpensive toilet paper is usually cheap in more than just price. Like, you have to stack about 17 layers before you can’t see through it anymore. Not this stuff. You could effectively blindfold somebody with a double layer. Which would be weird so why would you because even if you tied their hands all they’d have to do is start crying to make it fall off and they’d probably be crying already anyway from the sheer confusion of being blindfolded with toilet paper, so don’t. But you could. Theoretically.

So yeah. Nice strong solid paper.

SOFTNESS: The other thing inexpensive toilet paper usually is, is scritchy and crinkly and like it was never meant to be toilet paper at all but it failed the printer paper exam and had to take what it could get to pay the bills. Like whoever made it suspects there are unwelcome growths on your undercarriage that need be sloughed away. Like it was designed by someone who doesn’t have a butt and had to test it on their garage floor. Lik- okay. Yes. Like that.

Brandless tp is soft in a way that actually doesn’t seem soft at first, but quickly proves itself soft, without compromising its strength. Like if toilet paper grew up to be Dwayne Johnson while simultaneously remaining toilet paper. It looks like it will feel one way, and that one way might be rather not soft, but then it is. And not in a squishy linty way, just in a “I understand you’re perfectly happy with the amount of surface skin you currently possess” way.

And speaking of squishy lintiness…

LACK OF LINTINESS: Raise your hand if you like linty butt.

Nobody is raising their hand. Because nobody likes linty butt. No. Body. In fact, I would venture a guess that most people actually actively hate linty butt. Yet so many “high end” and “premium” and “omgbestest” toilet papers are super soft and super strong only to also be super linty. It makes no sense and is terrible.

Brandless tp is not linty in the slightest. It’s a beautiful thing, for more reasons than just linty butt avoidance.

UTILITY: In real-world applications, we all know toilet paper is about more than just swabbing your lower deck. You splash a bit of mouthwash on the counter, you don’t want blue spots on a towel, you grab a square of tp to deal with it. You need to blow your nose, but only like “I would feel guilty wasting an entire tissue in this scenario” blow your nose, you know what you grab. Lipstick on your tooth? Toothpaste on your lip? Small amount of pretty much any product in your bathroom other than where it belongs? Yeah. You want toilet paper. You know what you don’t want? Linty face and countertop and your whole life. Nobody wants that.

And there is another thing that nobody wants…

THIS ONE’S FOR THE LADIES: Specifically, this one’s for the post-pubescent and pre-menopausal ladies.
OR YOU CAN SKIP FROM HERE…

Real talk: Disposal of period products can sometimes make you feel like you’re tearing through 60% of your annual toilet paper allotment in 4 days. And even when you think you’ve wrapped something well enough, very often you see the bathroom trash can a few hours later and realize that no, it still managed to seep through to the surface and now your bathroom is ever so slightly sad and smelly. I have not had that problem since I started using Brandless tp. I use about half as much paper to wrap my products, and there is no seeping through.

TO HERE.

And I just wrote almost a thousand words about toilet paper.

I regret nothing.

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