2017 / Nov / 17

The Portlandia Bundt

For this, my 7th year observing National Bundt Day by baking an original-recipe cake, I had very little idea what would happen. But I had leftover lemon avocado buttercream in my refrigerator and love in my heart. I also had a bag of cacao nibs and, like many of you I’m sure, any hint of a mention of the word “cacao” brings to mind one thing.

Thus, in all its quirky, vegan, repurposing, cacao-inclusive glory, the Portlandia Bundt was born.

The completely legitimate needs of the Portlandia Bundt

Using a goods-for-services system whenever possible, source the following:

  • 1 12 oz package non-GMO gluten-free kosher soft silken tofu
  • 3/4 cup coconut milk reclaimed from an already-opened fully-recyclable can
  • 1/2 cup olive oil not slut-shamed for being only 15% extra virgin
  • 1 1/2 cups repurposeable lemon avocado buttercream retrieved from an environmentally-friendly cold storage container
  • 2 tsp vanilla distilled from pods extracted from a bush that is a descendant of the one that grew where the blood of Tzacopontziza and Zcotan-oxga was spilled when they were sacrificed to appease the goddess Tonacayohua for nothing more than the crime of daring to love
  • 1/2 cup pretty basic white sugar
  • 1 cup artisanal sourdough starter from an unlabeled Mason jar
  • 1 1/2 cups gluten-inclusive AP flour that is very sorry for everything
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened rare red Dutch process cocoa powder which is pretty indie so you probably don’t have any
  • 1 tbsp gluten-free double-acting baking powder
  • 1 tsp pure 100% natural fine grain sea salt harvested from the pristine waters off Brazil’s northern coast
  • 1/2 cup organic non-GMO vegan gluten-free kosher energy-boosting superfood cacao nibs
  • 1 tbsp fig and orange-inclusive balsamic vinegar that doesn’t need to explain itself any further
  • 2 tbsp family-owned raw-kitchen handmade all live sprouted pumpkin seeds

    COAXING THE CAKE INTO EXISTENCE

    – After clearly communicating your absolute respect for its inanimate object autonomy, and a shared moment of anger at what is nothing more than pointless egomaniacal separatism that keeps the U.S. from switching to Celsius, preheat oven to a mutually agreed-upon 350°F.

    – In the artisan 5 qt. polished stainless steel bowl of your so-classic-nobody-wants-it-anymore-so-it’s-desirable-again-red stand mixer, combine the tofu, coconut milk, and olive oil. Mix on medium until grainy.

    – Reclaim 1 cup of the lemon avocado buttercream, and add it to the mixing bowl, along with the vanilla and sugar. Mix on medium until combined. Mixture will still be slightly grainy and we do not judge it for that as it is its nature to be grainy. Assure the remaining buttercream that it is good enough and smart enough and people like it, and that its higher purpose awaits in the not-at-all distant future.

    – Add sourdough starter to bowl. Begin to mix on low. Stop mixer because you are so overwhelmed by the beauty of these ingredients so close yet still discernible as the amazing individuals they are. Take a picture. Post it on IG #weareone

    Continue mixing on low until ingredients are no longer discernible as the amazing individuals they are because now truly #theyareone

    – In a separate bowl, combine flour, baking powder, cocoa powder, and salt. Whisk gently to combine. Notice that some clumps of the baking powder and cocoa powder are reluctant to combine. Reach into the bowl with your bare hands and smash them. Smash them as hard as necessary until they understand that only as part of the greater good will they ever truly be whole. Smash them until they are nothing, and by so doing, smash them until they are everything.

    – With mixer on low, slowly add dry ingredients to bowl, mixing until just combined. Remove bowl from stand, and stir gently to combine any bits of isolated ingredients clinging to the sides or bottom of the bowl because they refused to accept their place in the greater good. Force them to accept their place in the greater good. Gently. But forcefully. With gentle force.

    – CACAO

    – Add cacao nibs to batter. Stir until evenly distributed.

    – CACAO cacao.

    – Lightly spray Bundt pan with PAM®. Let PAM® know you respect PAM®’s choices while also making it clear you would support and assist PAM® if PAM® wanted to file the necessary documents to legally change PAM®’s name to something maybe a bit less PAM®like.

    – Pour batter into pan, leaving ample room for its growth as an individual.

    – Bake at 350°F for 60 minutes, until a sustainably-sourced wooden toothpick comes out as clean as your ironically-worn Post Ironic t-shirt on the first day of Burning Man, and the surface of the cake is as browned and cracked as your ironically-worn Post Ironic t-shirt on the last day of Burning Man.

    – Allow to cool in pan until it is ready to make the next step on its journey. Do not force the process. But 10 minutes is ample time and if the cake tries to tell you otherwise it is only the fear speaking. Guide it through the fear with a butter knife gently around its edges, and turn it out of the pan onto a cake plate.

    Allow to cool completely before leading it to the next step of its journey.

    ENHANCING THE CAKE WHILE NOT JUDGING THE CAKE’S ORIGINAL FORM IN ANY WAY

    – Reclaim the remaining 1/2 cup of lemon avocado buttercream. Add the fig & orange balsamic and stir until #theyareone, then drizzle glaze over the top of the cake.

    – Coarsely chop pumpkin seeds, and sprinkle over the glaze.

    – #namaste

     
     
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