When Every System Fails

CW: domestic violence, infanticide

In October 2024, we were walking through a cemetery, as we often do with our dogs. This headstone caught my eye because someone had put a lot of time and love into dressing it up for Halloween. As I walked closer, it caught my eye for another reason; I shared a birthday with someone interred there. As I got close enough to read everything that wasn’t obscured by the decorations, I realized there were four someones in this grave.

Four names, three birth dates, one date of death. I could make out the date of death as sometime in October 2005, but not the exact date, not without disturbing the decorations, which I wasn’t going to do.

My first thought was that this poor pregnant woman had been out trick-or-treating with her kids and they were all killed by a drunk driver. Or on their way to or from a party. Something Halloween-related, and something absolutely fucking tragic.

I got this photo thinking I would share it closer to Halloween, as a cautionary tale, a warning about the horrible things that can happen when you drink & drive. I thought it would take some digging to find out exactly what had happened.

I barely had to scratch the surface of the Internet with this woman’s name to find out exactly what had happened. And I immediately wished I could go back to the few hours between seeing that headstone and seeing those search results, when I thought an entire family had been killed by a drunk driver, because the truth managed to be even more incredibly tragic.

Leticia Chavez was five months pregnant when she and her two daughters were murdered by her boyfriend, the father of all three of her children.

On a more recent walk, I visited their grave to find it clean.

As I type, it’s 20 years to the day that she and her children were killed. Nothing will ever bring them back. There will never be a world where Aaliyah graduated high school last year. A world where Adrina and Ana Lisa said they wanted to be educators or scientists or artists and got to work toward those goals. A world where Leticia got to see her children grow up, while pursuing her own dreams.

That world ended, violently, irrevocably, 20 years ago. Her surviving family still lives with the loss, with a kind of grief I won’t insult them by pretending I can even imagine. I’m not writing about her story to add to their pain.

But if anything I write can help another family not lose their own Leticia, their own Adrinas and Ana Lisas and Aaliyahs, if it can prevent the creation of even one Rodrigo, then I can’t not write it.

~~~

On the morning of October 10, 2005, Rodrigo Paniagua killed his pregnant girlfriend and two daughters, then set fire to the house. When firefighters and paramedics arrived at the scene, Rodrigo was standing on the driveway, covered in blood, when one of the paramedics saw him drop a knife. Police were summoned, he was immediately arrested, and confessed to the crimes only hours later.

The first question most people have is, how does something like this happen? And digging into that revealed it happened pretty much exactly the way is always happens. And that statement is not meant to put blame anywhere other than where it belongs, on the perpetrator. Rodrigo committed these crimes.

But there were so many red flags and warning signs before he did.

Leticia met Rodrigo, a former Marine, in 1998. They had their first child together in 1999.

They had their second child in March 2002. Also in March 2002, Rodrigo was arrested for threatening to kill Leticia, served jail time, and was required to complete a year-long course on domestic violence and parenting.

A relative of Leticia’s described Rodrigo as “a really quiet guy”, and was surprised by his violent behavior in 2002 because he’d never seen Rodrigo yell at Leticia. But despite having two children together, Leticia was not living with Rodrigo at the time of the threats, and the police report indicated that she took his threats seriously because she knew he had a violent temper. Rodrigo blamed a 3-day drug binge for the threats.

Leticia did not end the relationship, and became pregnant with their third child in 2005.

Prior to the killings, family members said the couple appeared happy in recent months. A representative from the District Attorney’s office stated that they knew through recent investigation that there were some unreported incidents of domestic violence during that time.

Neighbors described Rodrigo as a loving and devoted family man. Leticia’s family described him as macho and having a short fuse.

Rodrigo’s sisters testified to the severe abuse they and he had suffered at the hands of their father. A relative of Leticia’s said she was exposed to domestic violence at an early age, which may have normalized Rodrigo’s behavior and blinded her to the possible outcome.

So there was Rodrigo, abused as a child, with a history of substance abuse, and prior military service. That’s 3 boxes checked on the “people more likely to perpetrate intimate partner violence” list. Again, I’m not saying any of this is an excuse. But those layered experiences created a ticking time bomb.

Intergenerational effects of childhood maltreatment

Abused Children May Become Abusive Adults

Prevalence of intimate partner violence perpetration among military populations

Intimate Partner Violence More Common With Veterans, Military Personnel

Intimate Partner Violence and Co-Occurring Substance Abuse/Addiction

He was described by outsiders as loving and a devoted family man. Most abusers are described by outsiders as loving, charming, devoted, etc., because that is what they show to the world. Which is a big part of the reason victims so often have to push so hard against disbelief when trying to tell their stories.

What is Double Abuse® + How to Prevent It

I can guarantee that’s also the side of himself he put on full display to Leticia when their relationship resumed after he threatened to kill her in 2002.

The Cycle of Domestic Violence: Understanding Why Women Return to Abusive Partners

Hyper-Sensitivity to the Perpetrator and the Likelihood of Returning to Abusive Relationships

A relative of Leticia’s was quoted as saying, after the fact, “She grew up with that thing: ‘I have to stick with my guy’,” adding that Leticia never thought Rodrigo would kill her, despite his threats.

And this is the part that I really hope can help prevent another tragedy like this: you do not have to stick with your guy, or girl, or partner of any or no gender. You do not have to stay in any situation where you do not feel safe. There are options. There are places to go and people to help you. And there are ways to recognize if you are in a bad situation, before it becomes a tragic situation.

If you are questioning the safety of your relationship, please look for these red flags.

Know the Warning Signs of Abuse to Protect Yourself and Others

10 Red Flag Warning Signs of Abuse

A healthy relationship should look like this

not like this

If you suspect someone you know is being abused, please try to reach out safely

How To Know If Someone Is Being Abused

How to Help Someone Who Is Being Abused

and if you are being abused, please know there is help available, people who will believe you, there are ways out.

National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence

Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Resources

The world lost four lights on October 10, 2005. They were extinguished by the single hand that held the knife and I will not say otherwise, but that hand was driven by generational traumas and enabled by dangerous belief systems.

Rodrigo and his sisters should never have been abused. All branches of the US military should have better safeguards in place to screen for people already suffering from or more vulnerable to PTSD, to avoid putting those people in situations that will cause them to become a danger to others. Rodrigo should have been required to go into rehab after his arrest, in addition to the domestic violence course he had to complete. Leticia should have been given more information about and access to the resources necessary to help her get out of a dangerous situation. Her family should have been made aware of the signs to look for and the resources available to them, to help her get out of that situation.

Every system that should have helped, failed.

Leticia Chavez and her daughters should still be here.

Sources:
SF Gate: Man charged with killing pregnant girlfriend, 2 daughters
SF Gate: Suspect admits stabbing family, gets 4 murder charges
SF Gate: Man arrested in 3 slayings was jailed in 2002 conviction
Palo Alto Online: Man arraigned on four counts of murder
Mercury News: San Jose jury: Put man who killed family to death
 
 
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