52

I had every intention of doing my makeup 50th birthday shoot in 2022. I still might. Meanwhile, I wanted to do something in observation of my 52nd. The year leading up to my 52nd birthday had been hard, primarily because my dad had been in remission for a while but we all knew that time was coming to an end. So I thought I would cheer myself up by sitting in a bathtub full of donuts for a while. What could possibly go wrong in a bathtub full of donuts, right?

Short answer: Everything

Long answer: I was shooting in the bathroom which means flash is my only lighting option and wide-angle is my only lens option if I want anything other than closeups. The speedlite was acting up and only firing about 60% of the time, and I could not find a good camera angle to save my cursed soulless ginger soul.

Aside from tech problem were “shit in my head” problems because I talk a good game, and I try very hard to practice what I preach, and I work on the contents of my head as much as I can but the bottom line is, internalized ageism is a total cunt that won’t always be talked away. I felt old that day. Old and ugly and not like someone who should be in front of a camera.

This is not a fishing expedition. This is me letting you know that even someone who makes a habit of cleaning up pretty well and looking nice on the Internet can have days when they feel like a sentient shitpile.

Eventually I got the pictures you see here, pictures I’m varying degrees of happy about, some with a very special message for the people who think maybe I shouldn’t be doing this sort of thing at my age. Including the stupid voice in my own goddamn head. Because even when I am “old” or “ugly” or any of the adjectives that other people think should stop me from getting in front of a camera, that’s not supposed to matter as long as I’m having fun.

So I’m working very hard to make sure that doesn’t matter to me as long as I’m having fun.

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