Past Silly Contests

JUNE 2017 – HOW I SPENT MY POETIC PINUP HIATUS: Your most outlandish, flagrantly falsified account of what you’ve been up to for the past 3 years
WINNER: Piaras Séamus MacCallow Egerton
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“during the last 3 years i have been held hostage by orangutans, sentient space melons and finally, garden gnomes, it all started one night while knitting a onsie, i was abducted by orangutans, after they were falsely informed i had stolen their laptop. once held captive by the orangutans i slowly gained their trust and learnt them how to build space ships, i won 7 awards for these advancements and together we set off into space, our trip took us just a few short days to reach the furthest edge of the milky way, where we encountered sentient life in the form of space melons. after forgetting to bring packed lunch the orangutans viewed these space melons with hungry eyes, the war between orangutans and sentient space melons had begun, i tried to mediate to avoid this war but alas i failed and the orangutans were beaten. I pleaded with the sentient space melons to be allowed to travel home but they wouldnt let me. so i hatched a cunning plan to escape by dressing up as a space melon, i made a suit and escaped in one of their ships, alas not knowing exactly how this space ship worked, i made some mistakes and instead of hyperspace i entered alternative space, i arrived back at earth to find the planet ruled by garden gnomes and lawn flamingos, this was a utter nightmare, my stolen ship was impounded and stripped to reverse engineer the tech, i was questioned at length but they realised i didnt know nothing so sent me to live in a garden, i had to stand all day by a fish pond holding a rod while garden gnomes mocked me. 2 years passed as i stood their fishing, i was hatching a cunning plan though and one night when the gnomes guard was down, i sneaked off and broke into the garden shed and in true A Team style and a little macgyver cunning i developed a device to open a one time rift back to my reality, the portal opened and i stepped through, this is how i came to be here, sadly this is the wrong dimension for me but it is pretty close, but not my one. i am now destined to live my life out here as negative charged nomnomnomisolate isnt available here”

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